Friday, July 27, 2007

Mathematics, Keanu Reeves and Childbirth: A Defense of Christin's Belly

My beaultiful and naturally slender friend, Christin, is six-and-a-half-months pregnant and is enduring insensitive remarks from people who think she should be "bigger." I've come up with ten comebacks...perhaps you could add to my list.

The Top Ten Responses to the Rude (and in my Opinion, Jealous) People who are Commenting on my Friend's Smallness:

1. "My doctor's not worried and neither am I." (Kind of a boring response, but I imagine this would be the only comeback that Heloise would endorse.)
2. "Yes, this beautiful bone structure and glorious metabolism tend to evoke a jealous response."
3. "How much do you weigh?"
4. "Pregnant? I'm not pregnant."
5. "Too bad you can't give me your spare tire to even us out."
6. "Ah yes, it's not fair. I get a killer body and an easier labor."
7. "No speak English." OR "Times like this I wish I couldn't speak English."
8. "Have you seen the movie 'Speed?' Yeah, well if I get over ____ pounds I'll blow up." (My personal favorite.)
9. Tell them how far along you are in weeks and walk away while they are still doing the math.
10. "Actually, I'm having twins." (This will really throw them for a loop...and while it's entirely false, it might be a bit fun for you.)

Any additions you'd care to make?

(Christin's blog: -- I have yet to figure out how to include links on my mac)

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Sneezing my way to a 13-pounder

There is a lot about pregnancy that the doctors don't tell you. That's why I've been so thankful for my friend, Christin, who is 10 weeks ahead of me and has kept me dutifully informed. When I was about six weeks along she warned me about the lovely round lateral pains of the second trimester. They're essentially growing pains of the womb that kick in with swift or unexpected movement.

These round lateral pains have bothered me the most upon sneezing (which, maybe it's just my imagination, but sneezing has become much more violent since I becam pregnant). Painful sneezes have brough about a new fear. Stick with me here for a minute...if round lateral pains indicate the stretching and growing of the womb, and sneezing brings about intense round lateral pains, does that mean that everytime I sneeze my baby is going through a growth spurt?

I can't help but fear that I'm sneezing my way to a 13-pounder. That's illogical, isn't it? Someone please disprove my theory.